Urban Written

Staring in a puddle

What do I see?

My reflection stares up

And I look back at me.

Thorns and Mold

Have withered my soul

Rationalizing my pains

Have made me this way

Questioning my purpose is all I do

This leads to confusion

But I dont want to confuse you.

Let me try to explain whats raining on my parade

What makes me moody?

Or the enigma that you see.

There are quite a number of chapters to my life

And I pray one day youll be able to read

And understand the things that haunt my mind

That cripples my heart

That has kept me away from speaking to God.

It begins at the beginning of all things.

My existence. The Conception of.

Me.

The making of me was made with little thought

Carelessness. Selfishness. And Regret.

I could hear every thought in my mothers womb.

Which guy do I belong to?

Was it Montys or her Step daddys?

You see the blood in my veins are tainted you see

This is why mother can not confront me.

She knows what has formulated me.

Deception. Lust. Disgust.

The make up of me.

Upon adoption

Grandma came to my rescue.

Only governmental monetary values

Lead her to do the things she claimed to do.

How could you love a child fathered by

A child you despise.

Sold into Germanys baby market

And Found by our countries F.B.I.

So how could you claim, that you love me?

I could count the number of graduations u showed up for

Or the walks down a block to take a trip to the store

Or that day I caused you embarrassment

Because I needed a new pair of sneakers

Which you could never pay for.

Ill never forget because it was my birthday

Cold. Raining.

What a present to me!

Despite all that I still called you daddy.

Anticipated the truth in every lie u told me

Just knowing one day youll come and get me

Staring out windows

Watching other peoples shadows walk by

The sun sets another day I cry.

And those black and blue marks

Left under the window to my soul

My eyes..

Because you found out that some one else

Was trying to love me.

But when I look back how could you show anger

Years later and youre still doing the things you do

Only receiving a phone call when you need a helping hand

Still waiting on that day for you to become a man.

Lying on your death bed, I asked you for the truth

You took all the secrets to the grave with you.

Never felt so alone like I did on the day we buried you

Your family alienated me

As I sit starring at you.

Crying not because I would miss you

But because I know what I hoped would never come true.

To get to know who you are.

To share the talents we both shared.

Some one I admired

Even though I was your daughters stone

Unturned.

I could clearly see that the lies would continue

Are you really the family I resemble?

Maybe by looks

And nothing else

Because my heart could never black out

The way you treat myself.

Looking up at the sky

Asking God Why.

I need closure. I need restitution.

I want to free myself from all my pain.

Always feeling like Im two steps short of going insane.

These demons, they keep following me.

Laughing and pointing

Taking stabs at me.

Can some one please remind me of my purpose?

Take me away from this life that I find a circus.

Im like an open wound

That tries to bleed its self closed.

I just want to feel whole.

Lord, please save my soul.